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An Open Letter To The Father I Never Met

An Open Letter To The Father I Never Met

Hi… Papa? To be honest, I don’t even know how I’ll call you. Dad? Father? Should I address you like how other fathers are addressed? I don’t think I can.

An Open Letter To The Father I Never Met

This is the 20th time that I’ll be ignoring Father’s Day and treating it as an ordinary day. Well for me, it is. As a kid, I’ve never dreaded this celebration, surprisingly. Thankfully, mom did her best to never make me feel that I don’t have a father or that our family is not complete. You should thank her for not raising me as someone who loathes you. You should thank mom for still telling me good stories about you. I admit, despite your absence, I’ve never hated you.

Growing up without you

However, as I grow up, I realized that your absence in my life is more than just an ignored widely-celebrated occasion. Slowly, I realized how your absence affected me. Do you know how hard it is for me to be comfortable around men? Have I told you yet how I would not mind going to the very end of a street full of different stores, only to find a female seller as I’m afraid to talk to the male sellers even if their stores are much nearer? Not only that but as petty as it may be, I’ve never experienced being taken care of and protected by a dad. I’ve never been picked up from school or school. My suitors or previous boyfriends, even my current one, were never befriended by my father.

Due to all of those, I’ve realized that I would need to be strong by myself and that I don’t need saving or protection from no man. That’s good, thank you, except that I am now finding it hard to accept any good and genuine efforts from a man. I always think, “if my father left me, maybe no man will love me for real at all”. I’ve never realized how much growing up without you affected me until I cannot look at a man’s eyes without feeling anxious. I never knew I noticed your absence until I started dreading the day fathers are celebrated because I always think they don’t deserve them, even if it’s only you who ruined the image of fathers in my eyes.

No, I’m not looking for you

Funnily enough, I’m not looking for you. I just want you to know how I’ve been and what I’ve achieved without you. I want you to see how far I’ve reached, even after the unconscious trauma you’ve given. Here I am, standing strong, finishing a few chapters in my life already. Even without your help, I’ve survived. Even without your guidance, I’m here, trying to navigate my way along with life. Looking at myself and the person I’ve become, I believe it is safe to say that I’ve succeeded in many chapters of life, even without you in it.

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To be honest, after all these years, I still don’t know how I will address you. However, I want you to know that I still recognize you as the person who gave me life. That’s undeniable, seeing how many of my aunts still claim that I look like you. After all, I won’t even be alive without you. But that’s that. And no, no matter how many accounts you make, I won’t accept your Friend Request on Facebook.

I hope you’re happy with your new family. I hope your children won’t deal with what I’ve dealt with because of you. You’ve never been a father to me, I hope you will be at least for them. As I said, I don’t hate you, but no, I’m not asking you to have a part in my life.

Happiest father’s day to you, and I hope you’re happily celebrating this occasion with your children, just like we never did.

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