You may have heard someone say “you deserve what you tolerate“. Mostly, this advice is given to people staying inside abusive relationships using reverse psychology. However, that enabled more abuse because the person involved may set their minds into thinking that they really do deserve the mistreatments.
Debunking the saying: “You deserve what you tolerate.”
I guess we are all aware of the abuses that a certain family member can do to their child. Some children were taught to be submissive while doing a blind eye about what they really deserve. Those kinds of families directly affect the child when it comes to handling future relationships.
The child’s resiliency to abuses may tend to have a long-term effect because they can tolerate another abusive relationship if not treated early. Furthermore, having abusive family members contributes to the child’s mind about what to expect in a relationship. They have no other choice but to live with the abuse because they’re still too young to defend themselves.
No one deserves the abuse and mistreatments.
Just because someone tolerated all the mistreatments and abuse, doesn’t mean that they deserved it in the first place. Most especially if a soft-hearted person who’s pure with people got manipulated, gaslighted, and abused.
Furthermore, their purity shouldn’t become the reason why some people take advantage of them. Our world needs kindness, and their kindness shouldn’t become their biggest bullseye from narcissists.
Moreover, there are people who can possibly be trauma bonded that’s why they stayed and tolerated the person, in hopes that their person will have a change of heart someday. Their past traumas contributed to their thinking that no one would be there for them except for that person regardless of the abuse, that’s trauma bonding.
In addition, no matter who the person is, no one deserves the abuse. No one deserves to get stepped on just because they’re too kind to confront them. However, when someone abused decides to stand up for themselves, they do not deserve the bad label. Furthermore, gaslighting exists, that’s when someone treats the other badly. But when the mistreated one stood up, they manipulate the story into thinking that the mistreated person is the abuser.
Every person has all the right to defend themselves from abuse. Moreover, fighting back is their greatest breakthrough because they have been abused for so long.
No, you do not deserve what you tolerate.
Remember that at some point in someone’s life, they have no choice but to live with their abusive families making them immune to the mistreatments. Even just by them witnessing such acts from their families affected their mindset.
Moreover, when the time came when they’re going to manage a relationship. Their immunity and resiliency to abuse may contribute to their tolerance in their potential toxic relationships. Their tolerance shouldn’t become a ticket to mistreat them yet some people still do.
No matter how much a person tolerated the red flags from narcissists, they never did deserve the abuse. Everyone deserves better, the abused deserves healing. May karma take care of those people.
Paulette Annefreid Vivar is a journalism student from Cavite State University Indang Campus. She is a musically-inclined student journalist who loves to write poetry and to speak figuratively in her creative works, to compose songs and to sing.