I can’t write like how I used to anymore
Somehow, it was always easier for me to write the words than to say them. I can’t ever seem to form coherent thoughts to speak out loud. I usually end up stuttering and feeling like my heart would fall out of my mouth. Writing, however, was an entirely different thing, especially when it came to stories. Mine isn’t exactly the most stellar but it was something that I loved to do. It was easier for the words to flow when they were on paper or a blank document.
That was then because I can’t write like how I used to anymore.
Write in circles
For some reason, it became difficult to string the words together. It’s like most of them fell out of my head. It’s not only for stories but it also happened with homework, school tasks, and other requirements. It was frustrating because it would take me hours to fill up a page. On some days, I either completely abandoned it or just wrote the same thought over and over again in different ways.
Of course, I had to give my best to school-related work. There is a deadline and criteria to be met. But even then, it was like trying to pull words from the air.
I have too many drafts. There are more crossed-out sentences in my notebooks. If they aren’t, they are just repeated for several lines, hoping something else will follow. If it happens, it’s a rare occurrence but I mostly wished I didn’t have to grapple with it.
Blank or crossed out
What changed? How did it happen? When did I start staring too much at blank pages instead of filling them up?
Another thing that was difficult to handle was this kind of fear of writing anything. Even now as I type this, I feel like the words are leaving me. It shouldn’t be an issue and I’ve pushed myself before to just do it. But it’s just not the same. I can’t write continuously anymore. There’s too much time wasted on a paragraph that doesn’t even make sense. My broken thoughts would stay as they are. I no longer know what to write about unless a deadline looms over me.
Now, I just ask myself if I will ever learn to find it easy again. If talking is already difficult, what will I have left?
To write for a long time
I reckon people would say that that is just how things are. After all, change is constant and everyone is affected by it. If that’s the case, maybe something will happen. The way I write could take a turn for the worse but it could also start to become decent. I was never particularly good at it then but maybe it could be something safe for me once again.
Even if I can’t write like how I used to anymore, I don’t think I could ever fully give up writing.
