The aftermath of betrayal
The reason why betrayal hurts us so deeply is that it breaks our trust, not just the bond and memories that come along with it.
We are designed to build a relationship with each other. In this world, most, if not all, wants to live in isolation. That’s why we’re thriving to live in relationships with friends, family, or even with our special someone. This time, we’re going to talk about the most underrated type of break-up: the one with friendship.
There are many reasons regarding how certain friendships ended. It can either be from outgrowing each other, meaning you no longer have the same taste of the things you all used to like or do before. Another reason could be that both of you are already too busy with the new life indebted upon you. Yet, the most painful reason to end a friendship is betrayal.
Before we get to know the after-effects of betrayal, I have a story about it. I don’t want to take things so personally, but I just love adding so much emotion to my writings. This is one of my ways to make readers feel that they’re not alone.
“You are not alone.”
There will inevitably come a time when we will be hurt or let down by someone who became so special to us. When a friend breaks our trust, it’s easy for other people to tell us, “You know what? You should forgive them, they’re your friends.” People think that forgiving is just that easy. It’s not.
When my relationship with some old friends was still okay, we used to hang out a lot. After school, we go out together for meals.
We had great conversations about life and other plans. We used to share ideas. When someone bags an accomplishment, I was genuinely proud of them. At the same time, they were also proud of me when I’m still starting in my industry. However, things start to drift away when we befriended someone we just met.
When that person came into the picture, he had this reputation that most people who knew him saw badly. When they found out that he became our new friend, some people warned us about his bad behavior and personality. He seemed so good and we always try our best to prove them wrong because he was so nice to us. For the longest time, we defended him.
However, after how many months, his true color came out. The rumors about him were true. He was so self-absorbed, entitled, and felt like he had the position to put someone down. He was new, but he felt like he was already the leader of the pack.
Things did not end there. Inside our friendship, we knew that he was the one who set the fire. When one friend is not around, he will start a conversation that puts our other friend in a bad light. He always does it every time someone in our group is not present. I realized that if he keeps on doing this to someone else, there was a high chance that he was also doing it to me.
Since then, I started to step back a little by little. Yet, I never avoided them. I just learned to put some boundaries between us. When they need help, I was still there, and the other way around. So how did the betrayal start? Here’s why:
FRIENDSHIP TURNS INTO COMPETITION
Let’s face it, we all value something in life, whether it’s our mental health, academic performance, and peace of mind, among others. We should all know that everything we value in life is valid. But, if your friends feel threatened with your life accomplishments, they already start to forget the most important thing to value: conscience. They begin not to mind these things because of two reasons.
SUPERIORITY
Some people want that feeling of being the center of attention. When someone overtakes their way, they feel so bitter and annoyed. They begin to tell so many bad things against that person and the worse scenario: They start making stories behind your back, and you, eventually, find out these stories from other people.
Superiority kills most of us. There are people who just can’t accept the reality that in any field they’re in, there will always be someone who can do better than them. What makes them hard to accept this fact is their own ego. As Ryan Holiday once said,
“In everything that you do, ego is the enemy.” And my own argument on this part is; superiority comes out when ego blocks acceptance.
“There’s nothing noble about being superior to other people because true nobility comes from being just superior to your former self.“
-Robin Sharma
SELFISHNESS
People who betray someone are selfish inside.
When being betrayed by any person, not just a friend, always remember that the things they say are not the totality of who you are. It’s just the manifestation of their selfishness and lack of self-awareness.
I have this very powerful message from the first book I published, and it goes like this,
“In everything that you do be sure that you’re not hurting anybody. Always choose to do the right thing even if there’s no one looking at you.”
Sometimes, we find it so hard to follow this kind of principle because we let selfishness lead the way.
THE AFTERMATH OF BETRAYAL
We’ve been talking about the causes of betrayal. Now, it’s about time to have a conversation about its effects.
When our trust is broken by anybody, we start to lose so many things. Aside from trust, we also lose our confidence. There is grief after betrayal. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American Psychiatrist, there are five stages of grief that you need to get through. Some of these stages can be the effects of betrayal.
1. DENIAL
According to Kubler, this is the stage when everything feels so overwhelming and meaningless. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us cope and make survival possible. It also helps us pace our feelings of grief after betrayal.
2. ANGER
When someone wronged us, we feel anger and resentment. It makes our hearts hard to forgive. Forgiveness is hard to give when the reason causing your anger is so big to handle.
Saying “I already forgive you” is not a fake it until you make it type of situation. It takes time to finally forgive them.
People thought that for us to overcome our anger we must be always open to forgive. We were made to believe that forgiveness is the shortcut to healing. But you know what? You can still start to heal without giving forgiveness.
In reality, people who betray you don’t really care if you have forgiven them or not. They can still move on with life without begging for it. In the first place, that’s why they betrayed you. They betrayed you because they never cared for you as much as you cared for them. My statement can be painful, but I’m just being real.
3. BARGAINING
After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. Kubler states that we may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.
4. DEPRESSION
After bargaining, here comes the stage of depression. Keep in mind that depression is not a sign that you’re mentally ill. According to Kubler, it’s just the appropriate response to a great loss.
5. ACCEPTANCE
After being betrayed by the people who we consider so special in our lives, the hardest part is how to start accepting the reality that we’re not that special to them.
I hope you’re not Cruella De Vil who will add revenge as the 6th stage of grief. Just don’t. Remember: When you plant anger or resentment inside your heart, it will grow. When you want revenge, the reality is you won’t be able to destroy them, instead you destroy yourself.
At the end of each stage, what’s important is to know your main core in life and the sole purpose of why you’re here in this world. The aftermath of betrayal is just the beginning of getting to know who you really are.
When friends turn their backs after betraying you, it’s easy to think that you lost them, but the real talk is they lose you.
To end my piece, I would like to give advice based on my own experience with betrayal.
It’s important to monitor your own vision. Is your vision still focusing on the people and the pain they have given you? You will never see how blessed you are. If you see them moving on with their lives, and they still have something to say against your life? Just let them.
We all have our own seasons, take note of that. They might be still hurting you now, but just continue to be yourself and focus on your own goal. One day, you’ll wake up and these people will no longer be present in your life. You’ll look back to where you started, and you will realize how you’ve already come a long way, far away from them.
We all have our own stories about betrayal, and if there is one common lesson we can learn from this story, it’s all about having the realization that, sometimes, there are certain things in our lives that we need to sacrifice so other people can be happy too.
