A lot of people have gone through toxic and immature relationships. It’s good to hear if you haven’t been in that situation. Most immature relationships may end up damaging each other. I don’t intend on romanticizing my experiences from an abusive relationship, but I want people to learn from my experiences. Despite everything, those haunting memories really did make me who I am today. And, no, I don’t want my ex back nor do I want to thank him for the experience. I’m at peace, relishing the indifference that we have.
Although it’s a pain to bear, that ‘abusive relationship’ made me stronger.
Even I couldn’t believe that my first relationship would go that worse. Of course, the happy times exist, those sweet nothings and the acts of self-service have been given. But I didn’t even think that things will go south, that our mental health will be put into jeopardy.
People say that falling in love would always be inclined to heartbreaks. I once believed that phrase. However, it made me tolerate all the cheating, pretense, and ignore every red flag that I have seen. I normalized that, thinking that all those downfalls will be our greatest testimony someday. Little did I know, that I am teaching him how to treat me. Although don’t intend to clear my name, I became toxic to him, too.
I would describe my past relationship as disastrous because of the most important things that I nearly lost as I try to save the relationship. As I mature, I started to value myself and made my way out of that year-long abusive relationship. The freedom that I have now made me try a lot of new things. That abusive relationship made me stronger because I chose to clench my fist and stand up for myself!
I learned my lessons the hard way.
Moreover, the pandemic has led me to start building myself up. The isolation made me reconstruct my own belief system from which I can use as my boundary to keep people from disrespecting me. I learned that I matter, too. As I relish the freedom that I have, I tried exploring things that I felt too afraid to try before. I thought of it as a chance to try new things because… well, I have nothing else to lose.
In return, I tried my best to unlearn the toxicities that I acquired as I spent years with him. I also tried my best to heal my trauma because I don’t want that fear anymore, I want to love people properly. My past relationship taught me a lot of things because I knew that I had to learn so much more. I won’t thank him for the trauma and betrayal, I would rather thank myself for being strong.
Being strong doesn’t equate to being dismissive of your emotions. Being strong means you have the power to acknowledge yourself, your experiences, and your ability to work on your own lapses.
You can be strong in your weakness because you have the power to own your emotions. Progress doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time. No matter how much time you need to unlearn the toxicities, it’s still valid because, in the end, you worked on the trauma and toxic behaviors that you learned.
All in all, I don’t want people to go through the same experiences as me. I want them to get the morals that I can give. Make mistakes, if you must. Because that will teach you a lot of things. However, I wouldn’t recommend this kind of phase for everyone to go through. Own your life, get the lessons, and live your life to the fullest.
Be free, learn new things, explore, and love yourself more. You have your power in your hands, so use it wisely!
Paulette Annefreid Vivar is a journalism student from Cavite State University Indang Campus. She is a musically-inclined student journalist who loves to write poetry and to speak figuratively in her creative works, to compose songs and to sing.