Testimonio: Peace in the Shadow of Other People’s Light

Umbra had always loved darkness. There is something they find very comforting in the absence of light.

Umbra doesn’t like people. The crowds terrified them. All the blatant stares and hush whispers seep into their skin and make their way into their brain. They want to run away, but how do you escape your thoughts?

Tik Tok.

Tik Tok.

The clock ticks slowly, and everything seems stuck in slow motion. Umbra never liked the outdoors. And yet here they find themselves stuck in a rowdy space full of rambunctious waves of laughter and loud conversations. They felt so out of place. Like they don’t belong here. They don’t belong anywhere.

“I want to go home,” they say in a hushed whisper. Panic slowly rose in the pit of their stomach like a volcano threatening to explode.

Umbra is scared.

Umbra is me.

Like a Shadow, Finding its Home in the Dark

I have a hard time dealing with people.

Even until now, I still find myself struggling to communicate and relate with others. Maybe it is because I have always been like this, or perhaps because I’ve experienced the worst with people. Honestly, I don’t know.

When I was younger, I seldom talked, and I rarely interacted with kids my age. I would often sit alone and read rather than join them playing games. I try to get by doing just that every day. And I was okay. At least, for a while.

Like any other story, peace.. peace was only temporary.

I didn’t mind the dark. Like I could stare blankly in its emptiness and find solace. It is somewhere I can be at peace with myself, alone without worrying. And for people to try and invade that sacred space is sad.

I can’t recall when it started. But I find myself one day dreading to wake up. The thought of going to school felt like a punishment. Being around people is horrifying, and just thinking about it is enough to make me break in a cold sweat. Deep down, something pushed me to be afraid, and so I did. If I ever felt so small before, then I’ve just shrunk even more minuscule.

Paranoia bloomed deep within me, and I was always on guard. Day by day, I struggle with the thought of being around people. It felt like I was walking naked in a crowded plaza where eyes were all trailing me even when I was fully clothed.

Living felt like a constant nightmare playing on loop. I wondered when it would end.

It was better not to draw attention. And so, I resolve to make myself invisible.

Lowkey. I revelled in safety; it made me feel. Unseen, I lived like a shadow. Overlooked, but ever-present. Disregarded but existing quietly outside of the spotlight.

We could easily blurt out hurtful insults more than genuine compliments. It is easier to spread false rumours about someone just because we can. But always remember, that whatever negative thing you do, it can always happen to you too.

Letting Go of All My Anathemas

Sometimes, the silence speaks the most beautiful message. Tranquillity.

It is difficult for a child to understand why she was ridiculed for not talking much. No, she wasn’t mute nor deaf. But she detests talking a lot. Something that most people do not understand.

And in her mind, she asks, “Is there something wrong with me?’

Why? Because I am not like the other kids?

At first, I thought that maybe I wasn’t normal. I like keeping to myself while they play in groups. Social interactions seem to be so quickly done for them, and I feel envious.

For a while, I hated myself for being this way.

‘Why can’t I be just like everybody else?’

But then I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t my fault.

Now, I’ve been living my life in an everyday struggle. Only this time, with a renewed determination to be better, do better. Good people found me in the dark and inspired the light in my life. I’ve been battling with my demons for far too long and there’s no way I’ll let them win.

The past is but the shadow of our reckless actions, impulsive decisions, and both the hurtful and joyous memories. You can look back and have a glimpse of who you were. But if you choose to stay in it, then you haven’t learned anything from it.

Now a Shadow Dancing in the Light

I was once a shadow who retreats in the comforts of darkness. And like magic, rays of sunlight showed me a way to fully accept myself. That even a mere shadow can join the light and that in moments of darkness, you know you will be alright.

Let me end this by saying,

Life gets hard from time to time. That does’t mean we can’t go through with it. Consider it like a game with unlimited levels, each gets harder to go by after the other. But keep in mind that after clearing the levels, we level up too.

Shadows are distinct in the light.