Why Being a People-Pleaser Feels Like a Curse

I nod, I smile, I say yes to everything. It’s easier than dealing with the guilt that comes with a single, harmless ‘no.’

I remember one time when I booked a ride-hailing app, and the rider suddenly sped off before I could fully get off the motorcycle. I fell—scraped, hurt, shaken. And still, I smiled. I said I was okay. I reassured him, even though I was the one in pain. I did it because I was more afraid my complaint might affect him more than it affected me. 

My boundaries? Forgotten. My voice? Silenced. But at least I made his day a little easier.

Some people may call it kindness. But for me, it is a curse. The people-pleaser in me has made me feel invisible in my own life.

The Truth Is…

Most of us fall into this cycle because, deep down, we just hope for a simple sense of reciprocity. We always have their back, quietly hoping that someday, someone will have ours, too. We go the extra mile, believing that kindness will circle back, that the care we give will somehow return when we need it most.

And that’s only half the story—trauma plays a role too. Growing up in a family where you’re constantly compared to others can make it easy to believe you’re never enough on your own. You learn that love and acceptance only come when you’re better, quieter, kinder, or more impressive than everyone else.

So you push yourself to be the one who never complains, never disappoints, and never makes things difficult. We keep saying yes, even when it drains us, because the risk of losing people feels bigger than the cost of losing ourselves.

You might think we’re just pretending, but it’s actually a trauma response—a way to prevent conflict, rejection, or disapproval before it even happens. People-pleasing isn’t a personal choice; it’s our shield.

Why It Feels Like a Curse

Lillian “Nikki” Hurley-Hines, a licensed mental health counselor, explains that people-pleaser consistently prioritize others’ wants and needs over their own. This pattern often results in resentment, frustration, and burnout. It can appear in many forms—being too accommodating, always saying yes, or doing everything possible to avoid conflict.

On the surface, these behaviors might seem harmless, but living like this is exhausting. One minute, you’re helping someone. The next, you realize you’ve said “yes” again—without thinking, without planning, without even wanting to. Over time, it becomes automatic.

What makes it truly a curse is that people around you get used to it. They start expecting it, relying on it,  until it feels like you’re required to save them every time. Sometimes, you end up overworked, stressed, and juggling responsibilities that aren’t even yours. Every time we say ‘yes’ just to please others, we’re not only lying to them—we’re lying to ourselves even more.

In trying to make everyone else happy, we often forget to take care of the one person who truly matters: ourselves.

Learning the Art of Saying No

Saying ‘no’ has always felt almost impossible for me, especially after years of fearing the tension it might cause. The guilt, the fear of disappointing someone, or the worry about being judged can make a simple ‘no’ feel like climbing a mountain.

But lately, I’ve started asking myself—don’t I deserve more than this? Aren’t my time, my energy, and my happiness just as important as anyone else’s? Isn’t it time I put myself first?

Saying no isn’t rude or selfish—it’s a way to honor my boundaries, protect my well-being, and reclaim the parts of myself I’ve long neglected. Every ‘no’ is a small act of self-respect, a reminder that your life and needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. After all, wouldn’t it weigh on your heart even more to keep ignoring your own needs just to please everyone else?

At the end of the day, we cannot please everyone—and we shouldn’t have to. So help when you genuinely want to, and say ‘no’ when giving more would cost you too much.

The curse of being a people-pleaser, which once made us feel trapped, can eventually become a powerful lesson: putting ourselves first isn’t selfish—it’s the first step toward finally living a life that feels like our own. And those who truly value us will respect our boundaries and stay by our side, no matter how many times we say ‘no.’