What It Feels Like to be in the Closet

People have their own closets; the difference is that each closet is built uniquely. Some are big, some are small. Others are grand while others are simple. There are made of strong wood and there are as fragile as glass. However, no matter how are closets were built, the important thing is their function of storing clothes. If you are going to ask me what my closet looks like, well mine is different. It cannot be opened. It should not be opened. Because once you see the inside, there are no clothes or jeans, or undies or even socks hanging.

The only thing you will see is me.

Suffocating but Comfortable

I do not care how my closet looks. So long as it serves its function, there is no need to complain. I became comfortable inside. It keeps me from the outside world and it keeps people from looking inside. Sometimes I see someone peeking and trying to open the door. Of course, I am not letting them in. No one has ever infiltrated my little home – not my friends, not my family, especially not my parents.

At times I find it suffocating. It is difficult to breathe when I talk to people outside my closet. When my relatives ask when would I have a girlfriend or when I hang out with my friends particularly when we are intoxicated. I might leave the door unlocked without noticing. Yes, it is so hard. I have to be mindful of even the slightest thing I do or I will be judged, hated, or disowned.

Alone but Safe

Obviously, I am alone in my closet. No one has ever been inside nor do I plan to invite anyone. The funny thing about the usual idea of being alone is that you have a choice. Whether you get tired of it and find someone or endure the fact that there is no someone. In my case, circumstances left me with no choice. My parents, being traditional as they are, would not understand the very concept of having a closet and everything that comes before and after it. My friends do not necessarily care since they do not need to have a closet, to begin with.

The consolation of being alone is my safety. Safety from people that might judge me, safety from the societal system, and safety from the things that should not even matter in the first place. Yes, I am alone but at least I am safe unlike those who regretted opening their closet.

I am not a pessimist, I just witnessed a harsh reality for people like me. In contrast, some became happier after coming out of their closet. They felt comfortable without being suffocated and safe without being alone. Lastly, there are also those who do not need to have a closet. They are the luckiest ones since the people around them nurture and make them feel loved regardless of who they are.

Ironically, as much as I hate the idea of having a closet, I still need it badly. I feel like an unused shirt – waiting to be worn, waiting to be accepted.

You, what kind of closet do you have?